Grand final entertainment doesn’t matter – it only works when it doesn’t

Every year many confusions arise over the Grand Final entertainment.

NRL officials are agonising over the eternal question of whether they should stick with a tried-and-tested old favourite to appease the old men who shout at the clouds, or appoint someone who has succeeded in this age of millennials.

This time they have chosen Option B with The Kid Laroi, who will be the highlight of this year’s Grand Final entertainment.

An excellent option – having grown up as a Rabbitohs fan they won’t have to pretend to have an interest or knowledge in rugby league and there will be many fans who were unsure about whether they should go but will now be attending.

The problem with grand final entertainment is that it only works when it doesn’t work.

When Billy Idol’s microphone breaks down, like in 2002, or a giant Optus Vision’s big screen explosion in 1995The Grand Final pre-game show is memorable.

Macklemore’s name is etched in the memory because the aforementioned Old Men Yelling at Clouds (O.M.Y.A.C., if you will) were up in arms over the issue of political correctness because a song by a singer they knew nothing about was popular with the cool kids, championing tolerance and equality above all things.

Horrible! Horrible! Did no one think of the children before making the decision?

The pregame show is formal – it’s there to pass the time, because you’re going to want some sort of pregame entertainment anyway.

Keeping up with the Joneses at AFL headquarters has been the theme behind many of the NRL’s decisions over the decades.

Both administrations, in their desperation to be like the Super Bowl, spend huge sums of money on big-name performances at their showpiece events.

There’s only one Super Bowl – there’s nothing like it on earth and every other attempt at pre-game entertainment is merely a pale imitation.

so why bother?

If the grand final wasn’t entertaining, how many fans wouldn’t turn up because they wouldn’t get a 15 minute medley of hits from an artist that, depending on their age, they haven’t heard of or it’s the kind of music their parents like.

The artistes sit in expensive seats and sing their songs for the corporates, while three-fourth of the crowd can see them from the side or behind, so they ultimately see them only on the big screen.

Katy Perry is performing at the AFL Grand Final at the MCG this Saturday… just like she did at the Women’s Cricket World Cup a few years ago.

Once again she will surprise the crowd and is expected to give a great performance.

But if something goes wrong, it will remain in the memories.

The GF pre-game shows tend to blend into one another and very few fans can remember which singer or band was on stage each year.

Now if the opposite were true, and The Kid Laroi was holding a Pass the Ball performance or a mini football match before one of his concerts, that would be entertaining.

One purpose of the pre-game show is that it is staged at the same time as Nine’s Sunday night news broadcast, which the network will not shift from its time-slot at any cost.

But that would make an already long Grand Final day even longer for those at the ground and mean the NRLW decider would move earlier, reducing the likelihood of crowds turning up to watch that match.

As is the case most years, there is talk that the 100m race could be brought back into the Grand Final schedule.

Select the fastest NRL and NRLW players, whose clubs are not participating on Grand Final day, and ask them to run the full length of the field.

Give half of the money spent on the main concert as a prize to the winner of each sprint and donate the other half to charity.

The ARL Commission loves nothing more than a reason to give punters their hard-earned money on the line and there will be plenty of dollars wagered on the 100m race of the fastest footballers.

Manly winger Jason Saab would be a smart bet to win the NRL crown, though team-mate Tolu Koula and Dolphins fullback Hamiso Tabuai-Fidow are not far behind, while Gold Coast flyer Jaime Chapman would be tough to beat in NRLW contention with pacey forwards such as St George Illawarra’s Teagan Berry and Broncos centre Shanae Cieciolka.

Now that would be fun.